A very particular (and hungry) client visits an employment agency, looking for a new employee in the Night Gallery vignette “Satisfaction Guaranteed,” reviewed here.

“Satisfaction Guaranteed” **

Written by Jack Laird
Directed by Jeannot Szwarc
Victor Buono as the Customer
Cathleen Cordell as Mrs. Mount
Marion Charles as Miss Walters
Leigh Christian as Miss Ransom
Eve Curtis as Miss Caraway
Cherie Franklin as Miss Blodgett

Note: on the original run, a different short, “Witches’ Feast” aired in this spot but for the rerun and on the DVD, it was replaced with “Satisfaction Guaranteed.” As I have not seen “Witches’ Feast,” I can only review this one.

Victor Buono plays a man who comes to an employment agency, run by Mrs. Mount (Cathleen Cordell), looking for potential secretaries. Mrs. Mount assures him that she will have just the right candidate for the job.

One by one, he rejects several candidates on sight, all with sterling qualifications. Mrs. Mount becomes more and more flustered and finally is down to one final candidate who can’t take shorthand, can’t type or even brew a decent pot of coffee. This woman, however, unlike the others, is quite plump and the man’s eyes grow wide and he says “she’s just what I’ve been looking for.”

Mrs. Mount is astonished and asks the man when the winning candidate should report for work, to which the man replies with a bit of a lear, as he tucks a napkin under his chin and takes out a fork and knife,  “That won’t be necessary. I can just eat her here.” Cannibalism or something a little more perverted—you be the judge.